Oh, who's making these horrible movies
that they show on the big movie screens?
They chase and they crash and they dumb it
all up and I sit and I watch the credits.
I watch to see who played that part so badly.
I wonder why I can't be a movie star too.
I sometimes audition for
a low -budget equity waiver.
I just want a chance to prove
that I can suck too.
Oh, who's making these horrible movies that
they show on the big movie screens?
They charge more and more but they give us
less and I sit with my date and I suffer.
Why must I watch
Battlefield
Earth?
The script was written in crayon, the script was written in crayon,
the script was written in crayon, the script was written in
Hey there!
Interior, movie studio,
big important meeting with big important people.
We just optioned this original adaptation, totally in dependent,
big studio, high concept, low budget art house spec script.
Brand new, been in development
for 25 years.
Working title is
Kill
Me
Now.
I just read the first draft treatment and
it's not very good but we can fix it in post.
It's real
Gen
X and noisy with all that wacky
surround sound and the
THX
Dolby.
And I must say I see several sequels
an d at least one or two prequels.
The dope sheet on this baby got it to green
light, all the trades smell of bidding war.
Jump cut to the festivals, okay?
Two words, cha -ching!
Our best boy wrote this script!
He's a 20 -year -old former key grip, and
he used to work on the castings now,
so he's got ancillary rights,
and he wants contingent compensation on the back end.
Wink!
Picture this.
Extreme close -up of some famous
actor ad -libbing.
We shoot a guerrilla,
handheld, cinema verite.
No protagonist, no antagonist,
no character arcs,
no plot, no subplots, no
B -story, no denouement!
Just avant -garde montages of a beautiful,
emaciated, 16 -year -old supporting cast.
We fire off a few squibs in the
car chase scenes.
Did somebody say
McDonald's, okay?
We split the merchandising
with a fast food joint
and they pass off our crappy worthless
toys for 99 cents with each combo.
Plus, we get to advertise for free on the soda
cups, which brings us to the love scene.
We hire a great pair of
boobs for the body doubles,
stand above on the bed, shoot at all
POV and
OTS and stop -motion steadicam.
When we sell a foreign distribution,
we can dump everything on a
D1,
dub it in
German, make it
Letterboxd and add subtitles
and hock a
DVD of the frickin' director's gun.
The cast is willing to work for scale
because we pitched it as an
Oscar contender
and most of them are stupid,
desperate has -beens anyway.
The director's willing to work for deferred compensation,
but I don't think we need a director on this one.
It pretty much directs itself.
We'll just send a
PA up to
Canada to shoot the principal
photography on a
Sony
Digicam.
Oh, I've got an idea for a movie.
All it needs is a bankable cast.
It'll open up
Labor
Day weekend,
and we'll sit and cuckold on the glass.
We can save money on sound, too.
Make it a silent film,
pretend we did it on purpose.
Who cares?
Let's go black and white.
Shoot the fight
scenes in claymation.
It doesn't matter.
We can do post -production in a slave
labor camp on a video toaster in
Taiwan.
What the hell?
Well, the
MPAA wants to give us an
NC -17, which is the kiss of frickin'
death.
They'll only give us the
R if we cut out some of the decapitations.
I say we storyboard the trailer.
Shoot it before we make the film.
See how it plays in a test market.
Make it kind of
MTV.
Think
Dawson's
Creek, real young and anamorphic.
No old people.
Slap the clapstick.
Soft light the depth of field.
Put some nose grease on the diopter.
Sink it.
Rack focus.
Splice the iris.
Hire a gaffer.
Orange stick most of the
MOS.
Sprocket a blue filter.
Tinker with the f -stop.
Rotoscope the wet gates.
Bootleg a word print.
And most important,
kiss the studio's ass and hope they like it.
Go by the bull legs, load the mags, pan and scan, sweeten the daily,
sandbag the licensing, and get this baby in the can!
We'll get
Elton
John to barf out the soundtrack,
package everything prorated, and most important,
KISS
THE
STUDIO'S
ASS
AND
PRAY
THEY
LIKE
IT!
If it sucks, we cut our throats,
call it a life, and it goes direct to video.
No big deal!
Aw, who's making these horrible movies that
they show on the big movie screens?
They chase and they crash and they dumb it
all up, and I sit and I watch the critics.
I watch this evil play that parts so badly.
I wonder why it can't be a movie star too.
I sometimes audition for
a low -budget equity waiver
I just want a chance to prove
that I can suck too
Oh, who's making these horrible movies
That they show in the big movie screens?
They should do us a favor
and blow up their brains
In the back of their big limousines
In the back of their big limousines
In the back of their big limousines
Come on!
It's a wrap!
We're not done.
you
