Tom: Ab major•
Verse 1
You know what we did with my
Ab
grandma?
We played a trick on her.
She fell asleep the other day
and we took her teeth out
and replaced them with them
Abm
Halloween shatter teeth when
she was asleep.
She wakes up, she goes...
It doesn't feel cold in here.
Is it cold in here?
Are my nipples hard?
Let me see if my...
Come on now, that ain't right,
I love old grandma.
Ab
My grandma was a stripper
in 1938.
And the thing that really stinks
Db
E
is she's starting to lose her head a little bit
Ab
and sometimes she don't know.
Every now and then
she thinks she's a stripper again.
It's embarrassing. The other day she sent a
naked picture of herself
to Good Housekeeping magazine
and then a picture and a recipe for her
peach cobbler
she sent to Hustler.
I felt so daggone bad for her,
but then I found out
she got pie of the month
in both magazines,
all right?
I don't know what's
going on here.
There's a silver lining in every story,
I guess.
Her name is Edna.
Db
That's not a good stripper
name, Edna.
Ab
Here's my least favorite
four stripper names.
E
Ab
Edna, Bertha, Gertrude, Walter.
Db
Ab
That's the four worst along.
you know what she's doing?
Ab
She's suing Carrie Underwood.
Db
Ab
You know who Carrie Underwood is,
the country singer? Yeah.
My grandma got a lawsuit on her.
Apparently, my grandma was driving
and accidentally hit a telephone pole
Fm
Ab
while listening to that song,
Jesus take the wheel.
I guess the Lord wasn't paying attention
either when they come to that.
I don't know why they do that.
My grandma always says
God is my co -pilot bumper sticker
and she's always hitting stuff. All right.
I mean what kind of an example is
that?
I don't think you should even drive
if you get pulled over more than twice
by the Coast Guard, all right.
Ab
Db
the traffic just ir ritates me.
Ab
got, oh, I got stuck in one of them illegal
Now I'm talking about
Gb
Ab
illegal immigrants,
busting the law, an hour and a half,
I'm in the daggum P -rate,
and then turn on the radio,
there's some senator on there talking
about it.
Well, you know, we would deport
the illegal people,
but we just don't know where they're
at.
There's 5 ,000 of them
in front of my truck right now. right.
Good Lord, follow them.
See what van they get into.
All right.
Good Lord.
They're right there.
That's right.
They don't make no sense.
I tell you what,
slow drivers irritate me too.
And I'm going to tell you a story.
Before I got married,
it was a while back.
There was this girl I was in love with,
beautiful.
All right, perfect, except
Db
Ab
she had no arms. All right.
And, but she was a 10, easy.
Minus arms, be eight.
All right, she's eight.
Db
Ab
But very polite.
Whenever we go out to eat,
she never put her elbows
Ab
Either way, all right.
But we was at this restaurant
and I didn't know where to park to
get in there.
Db
And she was stumped, you know, so.
Ab
So, uh, what we did was we
ended up leaving.
So we get back on the highway.
Gb
There's a feller going five mile an hour.
Ab
I'm trying to do at least 55 of my dogs.
He won't get out the way.
I honk, nothing.
All right. She's pissed.
She flips him off with her middle toe
she got sitting there.
So finally, I just kind of bump
him a little bit
with my front bump.
Cb
Ab
The dude totally overreacted.
He went flying over his handlebars.
I don't care if it was a cop,
all right, I got to get somebody.
Db
We ended up breaking up,
Cb
me and the no arm girl,
you know, because I'm a cuddler.
Ab
Db
I got pulled over the other day
by a police man
had Alzheimer's.
I'm making out he come up
to my window,
he go, do I know why I pulled you over?
You owe me 20 bucks?
He ended up pulling me over
three more times.
I made 80 bucks. That's right.
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