Tom: Ab major•
Verse 1
Abm
Okay, welcome back.
You know they've
been banning nativity scenes
in our great country
because political crick
Tommy Libbs are scared more of Jesus
than they are Al -Qaeda,
and it's a shame.
Ab
So in the spirit of pissing off these jag
here's a sketch I like to call
Larry and His Buddies
Ab
Participate in a Live Nativity Scene
Abm
Ab
Just to Piss Off the Anti -Je sus Libbs.
Take it away.
Man, it's freakin' freezin'.
This is nuts. I know.
Ab
must have his head up his ass.
Abm
Ab
Here, this'll keep you warm. Thanks.
Eb
Ab
You know, Miss Snyder just came and grabbed
Bb
her toddler out of the manger
Db
and took him home because
Well, that sucks.
He was playing the baby Jesus.
Now what we gonna do?
You can't have no daggone
nativity scene
without the toddler Jesus.
Cb
Gb
Hey, Ed, you want that big doll at the fair
a couple of weeks ago,
stick that sumbitch
Ab
in the manger.
He ain't puttin' Shrek in the
manger
for God's sake.
It'll scare the kids.
I can see it now.
Mommy, Shrek ate Jesus.
Shrek ate Jesus.
I mean, how you gonna explain that?
Hey, why don't we call
up Ernie?
The church midget?
Yeah, that's a good idea.
He ain't no bigger than a toddler.
Hell, other than his big ol' water head,
nobody know the difference.
Just slap some swaddlin' on him,
I bet he be a damn good toddler
lord.
Gimme the phone.
Hey Ernie, what are you doing?
You're what?
You're standing in front of a subway
in a dill pickle suit.
Db
Alright, a sweet gherkin.
Ab
You ain't gotta get pissed.
You better be getting paid good for that.
What do you mean ain't paying you?
You idiot.
You ain't gonna
meet no women in a pickle suit.
Well, get down to the church.
We need a Jesus, okay?
Alright, see you then.
Don't wear the pickle suit.
All right, fellas, I called him.
He's riding his bike down here.
Man, I'm freezing my nuts off.
Jim, would you watch your language,
for God's sake?
What if somebody walked by
and heard Mary
say her nuts was froze off?
Well, this is crap, Larry.
When I signed up for the live nativity scene,
I thought I was gonna be a
wise man or something.
Not Mary.
Well, I did, too.
But Doris is on probation
and had to be home at sunset.
Besides, with that wig and head wrap,
you can't even tell you're a feller.
Gb
Well, I couldn't tell neither until
Ab
you got close to the fire
and your titties popped.
Ab
Here comes Ernie. Hey,
fellas.
Hey, Ernie, put this swaddlin' on
and get in the manger.
Show me the verse in the Bible
where the baby Jesus was swaddled
in NASCAR bedsheets.
Quit bitchin' and get in the
Ab
It's a step up from a pickle suit.
Hey,
don't talk to the Savior like that.
You ain't the Savior,
you're a midget.
I'm playin' a Savior.
You're gonna be playin' a
Savior
with swolled -up nuts
in about two seconds
after I boot kick you if
and you don't crawl up
in that there manger.
All right. Well, give me a boost.
Man, this thing's not very comfortable.
It's a manger.
It ain't a bark -a -lounger.
This sucks. I'm cold.
Oh, for God's sake, quit bitchin'.
But it hurts!
You beat all,
you know that, Ernie?
You're playin' the Lord Jesus
for Pete's sake.
And when you play the Lord,
you give 110%.
How dare you half -ass the Lord
in that manger crib.
The Lord done made you small
so you can play Bible characters and
critters and plays and stuff.
You keep bitchin',
we ain't gonna let you play the Easter Bunny at Easter this year.
Now straighten up.
When you land in there,
you give all you got.
Hey, what's up, Eugene?
Hey, Larry.
Wish I could've been
in your nativity scene,
Gb
Em
but I got called into patrol
Oh, that's okay.
Gb
Fm
Hey, just lettin' you know to keep your eye s open,
there's some idiot runnin'
Ab
He's gropin' women up in the subway,
and he's dressed in a dill pickle suit.
It was a sweet gherkin!
Is that Ernie?
Yeah, he's playin' Jesus.
A midget Jesus?
Ab
Oh well, keep your eyes open.
We will.
Hey, you want a beer?
Naw, I'm good.
Eb
I still got some in my cooler.
Ab
Alright, I'll see ya. 10 -4.
Em
Ab
Hey, preacher!
What is going on here?
Well, we's all participating
in the live nativity scene
trying to piss off all the liberals.
Well, that's a nice thought,
but it's April.
Oh, is that a problem?
Well, kinda.
Even if it wasn't,
I don't think the wise men
should be out here in front of the church drinking
moonshine.
Cm
And what's that smell?
Ab
Oh, that's our campfire.
D. Wayne's mule
Roots been crappin' up a storm,
so we been burnin' her turds
for heat.
You sumbitches.
Gb
I've been eatin' marshmallows
Listen, guys, I appreciate the thought,
but the ACLU shut us down this year,
so you better just wrap it up
before you get into big trouble.
Well, the ACLU can
kiss our Christian asses.
Now, Ed, you shouldn't cuss like that,
especially if you're in a nativity scene.
I know you're upset,
but this isn't the place for that.
Sorry, preacher.
Well, don't tell me.
Tell the Lord.
Oh, okay.
Sorry, Ernie.
You're forgiven, Ed.
Oh, for God's sake.
You're not really Jesus,
Ernie.
You better shut up, Larry.
Ab
What if you get to them pearly gates
and the Lord is a midget?
Puh, a midget, Jesus.
Gb
Everybody knows the Lord's big
like John Wayne.
Now, fellas, I appreciate what
and I'd appreciate it more
if it was on Christmas.
But this isn't the way to protest.
We just need to pray that people will start to get fed up
with all this anti -Christ and Christmas nonsense
and finally speak up and say
enough is enough.
All right, preacher, I hear you.
Now you fellas have a great night
and God bless you.
All right, boys, you heard him.
Let's pack it up and head home.
Home?
Yeah, we're going home,
you heard the preacher.
But on the way,
let's go by the courthouse
and piss on him.
Let's get to work!
Yeah, that's what I'm
Ab
talking about!
Thanks lot.
Thanks a lot.
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