When people say to me,
how come you're divorced?
I always make up a lie and say,
my mother -in -law broke
up my marriage.
They say, well, how'd
that happen?
I well, one day my wife came
home early from work
and she found us in
bed together.
She's an old woman, but firm and, uh...
I don't know if there's any
losers sitting out here,
but when you, you know,
you break up with your old lady,
you get divorced,
the places that you go together,
Then when you go in alone,
they always say where it's
I don't know if it's the market
of the laundromat.
say where's your wife?
I'm divorced
There's an embarrassed
silence.
You don't know what the
You should get together.
You know a lovely couple.
They don't know what the hell
they don't even know you
but there
So we used to go
to a Chinese restaurant
on this trip a lot.
Yeah, and last time just for years
We went there together.
So when I go in alone
The way the system a West Mama
Aw, how come you don't bring
momma anymore?
Such a beautiful girl,
the long red hair,
everybody likes her.
Here's some cookies,
bring momma home some cookies.
Yes, I'm divorced.
So, aw, you better off.
I'm at a left field.
There is a problem, right?
I don't know if you'll encounter it.
It's particularly a show
business problem
because of my hours.
I'm not a particularly promiscuous person,
but I want to have, you know,
somebody to hang out with, to talk to.
So usually I go out with chicks
that are between 30 and 40
because they're usually divorced
and good and bitter, too, you know.
But the hang -up is,
where can you go at
4 in the morning?
Every chick I know who's divorced
has got a 7 -year -old kid.
They haven't got a 7 -year -old kid,
they've got a mother who lives with them who's divorced,
too.
And those kind of mothers are real nuts,
complete competition with their
daughters, you know.
You think I got nice legs?
I was a Charleston dancer.
Those kind of old schools.
And then, oh,
they've got a French poodle
that wants to stay
in the bedroom with you.
You keep saying,
why don't you let the dog go out?
He's cute. He won't bother
you.
But I don't want him
to watch.
It's a voyeurist.
Get rid of him.
At least there's one dog that has some,
a Doberman Pinscher.
There's a dog. You train him.
You raise him.
Ten years, he kills you.
At least you've proven
something, you know.
So, and the hang -up is like,
what are you doing at 4 o in the morning?
What are you going to,
if you say hotel of semantics,
that's out, you know.
It's got really like a lewd
connotation already to it.
So I figured all different devices,
like a telecheck, a trailer.
That sounds cute, right?
Nothing dirty about trailers.
Yeah, want to go to my trailer?
Okay, yeah.
Where is it?
Well, it's in my hotel room now.
I have to assemble it.
Yeah, desks are very cruel.
Whoever designed hotels,
because it's really rough
to pass the desk.
Because even if I know a chick,
at that crucial moment
I forget her last name.
I'm going in, 1006,
I go to the 11th floor,
walk down one.
So you walk in and you just,
you walk right past the desk
like you belong in.
And as soon as you hear Mr.
you go, uh -oh.
Yeah?
Do you live here?
And he's like, should I?
Yes, I never go out much.
This one chicken I kind of dug up.
I knew her a years.
It the after work.
She said, we're going to go.
Let's go to a motel,
all right?
Now, we're going to go there.
And I pick her up. We're driving.
She said, we can't go.
I why not?
She we haven't got any luggage.
I said, all right, let's stop at the
market.
We'll get a brown paper
bag and some apples.
Now, in front of the motel, you go in,
because I'm not going be embarrassed
with the registering and all that.
All right, so, you sit in the car.
This guy in the little glass house there,
I look at him, about 50 feet away,
and I'm really getting a lot of trauma
going on here,
so I'll tell him, and if he says this,
I'm writing a whole screenplay,
you know.
And I look, and I say, I'm dead already,
the guy's reading The Watchtower.
And there's two women next to him,
they're trading some Arizona Trailways with him, you know. All right,
go in there.
Really, I've written a whole play
by the time we get the guys
writing and working.
Hello? Hello?
Uh, how much is here a month?
Well, we just have a daily rate
of six dollars.
Tell you what, um,
my sister's out in the car.
And we had a terrible tragedy
in our family.
My uncle passed away.
And I don't know if you've ever had a tragedy
like that.
We were very close to him, in fact.
And she's all shook up.
And she's under sedation
now.
She's just hysterical,
so I'm going to sleep with her.
And, uh... I mean, why, right?
They just want their bread, just...
They go in,
and Moe tells them a woman's viewpoint
of how cold it is. There's nothing to
rationalize.
At least you tell a chick in front of your bed,
And you go, listen,
I'm going upstairs to get
a shirt.
And she comes up, you know,
just pulls me to car. go,
the motel, you know, nothing.
Here we are.
Ah, ah, ah, ah. ah, ah,
The bed is three feet from everything.
Ah, ah,
Ah, One chair.
Ah, ah,
The glass has been sanitized
for your safety.
The toilet seat's tied up.
Ah, Ah,
There's nothing to read.
Ah, Except have you forgot anything?
Okay. Great. Yes!
Lenny Bruce 
