Tom: Ab major•
Verse 1
Abm
so I don't date much anymore.
You got married a year and a half ago,
by the way.
She still has that new wife
smell to her.
I tell you, it's real.
I love her to death.
She can't cook, though. Good Lord.
We have the same thing every night. Nausea. Alright? I get
it. Her meatloaf was on Fear Factor last year. All right.
But I do like being married
because that means I ain't got to
Ab
And that gets me embarrassed
in buying rubbers
when you're in your forties.
All right. It ain't like it used to
be.
It's embarrassing.
They got all different shapes
and sizes and colors.
You don't want to get ripped off,
so you got to try them on at the register
there
to get something
you like, you know.
Good Lord. You get one too small,
you got to use a wiener horn
they got up there. It don't fit.
Doggone it, that went right in your
chili dog.
I apologize to you.
Doggone it, Reverend,
I apologize to you.
That's why I used to buy lambskin
rubbers.
They was easy. Two sizes.
Wooly bully and little Bo Peep.
Gb
I like it. But my wife and
three months ago,
we were pretty excited about that.
It's something else,
boy.
At first I didn't even realize she was pregnant,
to be honest with you. know,
Gb
I'd kind of gotten used to her throwing up
Ab
every time we had sex, you know.
We did that home pregnancy
test.
Did ever do that?
Where you stick that piece of paper in
and then you pull her out
Gb
and if it's blue, you're screwed.
The bluer it is, the more screwed you is.
I ain't saying it was blue,
but I pulled it out and it was singing B .B. King tunes,
all right? It was blue.
She was worried about childbirth too,
cause she's little,
you know, and she's all scared.
She's like, when I have this kid,
I want to be knocked out
and unconscious.
I'm like, that's how you were
when you got pregnant.
That's full circle right there.
I did feel bad for her, that's tough.
I'm telling you, I felt horrible for her,
Gb
just pushing an d sweating
Ab
and screaming at the top of her lungs
and pushing and sweating,
biting down on a stick, ugh.
Now she knows how I feel
after a couple of Hot Pockets.
You ever eat them Hot Pockets?
Good Lord, I was backed up like a urinal
on St. Patrick's Day
after eating them damn
things.
It was embarrassing. She's in the bed giving me,
I'm in the toilet next to her,
you know?
Db
I'm like, I need another epidural
Ab
in here if you got one.
My mom's like, how's the baby?
Oh, he's fine.
I had a C -section though, all right.
But he's a cute kid.
Boy, we already sold his pictures
I a Bass Pro Shop for 300, all right.
You learn a lot,
though, when you have kids.
I'll tell you what, did you know when a baby poops its diaper,
you're not supposed
to hit them
with a rolled up newspaper?
That's true.
They say, I was reading this one article,
and it said,
if you put on classical music in the crib
when the toddler's sleeping,
he may grow up to be a scientist.
You got a good shot at it.
So I went home after I read that
and popped an Alan Jackson
CD in the crib.
And hopefully when he grows up,
he'll be able to fix my fricking truck.
All right.
Yeah, but he's a cute kid
though.
We're doing the breastfeeding,
Db
Bbm
that's what we're doing,
breastfeeding.
Ab
You haven't done that?
I'm not, I dried up a week into it, all right?
My wife's doing it,
Abm
Cb
I just got the cabbage off my nipples
He irritates me sometimes when he breastfeeds,
he's on the nipple,
he's off the nipple,
he's back on it, he's over here,
he's looking up,
Ab
I'm like, look, act like you've been there,
all right?
Ab
Good Lord. His name's Wyatt,
after his grandma.
Any of fellers ever taste
your wife's breast milk?
Cb
Db
Come on, get out of here.
You know, I gotta tell you, it ain't bad,
alright?
I gotta tell you.
It's a lot better than that crappy Slim Fast,
I'll tell you that much.
Matter of fact,
that's what I'm doing to lose weight,
two titties in the morning
and a sensible dinner.
All right, that's what I'm doing.
That's it. You're done.
That's what I'm doing.
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