Folks,
allow me to introduce myself.
Jimmy Durante, consultant psychiatrist,
who after studying people pro
and con and to and fro,
I can now announce that people are divided
roughly into two distinct categories,
men and women.
Ignorance of this fact
can lead to grave complications.
Now I got a patient of mine
standing right here,
and he has a problem.
Is that correct? Mr. Candido?
Yes, sir.
Now this fella's got a girlfriend
who keeps running off with a
new guy every day
And I'm gonna tell you all about it
because he's suffering for
melancholy neurosis
Osmosis dementia peacocks and I better
I better yeah, I better start singing
before the record runs out
This is his problem
He had the preacher on
a 10 -minute notice
had the lease on a small bungalow
But she ran off with a guy named Ot is
I'm feelin' mighty low
But she came back for him a -cryin'
And he gave the jeweler his dough
She went flyin' with a guy named Ryan
I'm feelin' mighty low
A ranger named Granger,
a perfect stranger
Stole her right out of his arms
A gringo named Bingo
spoke a different lingo
Wooed her away with his charms
And she pleaded with him not to doubt her,
that he was a favorite beau.
But she took a powder
with a guy named Browder.
I'm feelin' mighty low.
I'm feelin' mighty sorry for you, son.
Tell us the story in your own words,
verbatim.
Had a honeymoon planned
for New Haven,
but I worked just a little too slow.
She got a craving for a guy named Raven.
I'm feelin' mighty low.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
No wonder the dame left him,
his voice is changing.
You know,
I've made a complete study of this boy,
and here are my conclusions.
He had an unhappy childhood.
He was born one of triplets.
One was a boy, and one was a girl.
But they never found out
what the third one was.
When it was three weeks old,
it flew away.
Now listen to me, son.
I'm a practicing psychiatrist,
and I want to help you. You'll
need a psychiatrist.
Just what was it that occurred
between you and this girl?
Well, whenever we sat in the parlor,
she turned the lights down low
and hugged me and kissed me
and hugged me and kissed me.
And one day I got to wondering.
Wondering about what?
Where does it get you?
This guy don't need a psychiatrist,
he needs a mortician.
He convinced that they were
meant for each other.
They were married
and it set his heart aglow.
Since they've been living
20 years with her mother.
I'm feeling mighty low.
I don't mean high.
Feeling mighty low