Tom: Gb major•
Verse 1
F#
G#
What the hell is this, Rasheed?
What kind of moron
would still give a fruitcake for Christmas?
G#m
G#
Good lord, you can't eat the damn
things.
Good lord, an Ethiopian
would look at a fruitcake and say, Gah, gross,
G#
A#m
I'm going back to eating bugs and monkey brains.
G#m
Tell you what, when I was a kid,
G#
D#
we had to put two of them
underneath the right
G#
front wheel of the trailer
G#m
F#
to keep the living room sitting level.
G#
A lot of people don't know,
but did you know that the fruitcake
was also the main weapon
G#
used by Texicans in the Alamo?
F#
A lot of people don't know that.
G#
A#m
Fruitcakes first come to this country
G#
by a feller named Jedediah Harrington.
He used them as fruit licks for his horses.
G#
A neighbor did him wrong one day,
so to get even, he sent him
a fruit lick.
Throughout the years, the fruitcake
has been used as a last -minute gift
C#
G#
or as your kind of a butthole gift.
F#
G#
The ancient Romans
used to stone folks with fruitcakes,
and the fruitcake was used as the first
steam engines
A#m
as coal substitutes.
G#
Sorry, that's fruitcake.
The fruitcake still today
is being used by African pygmies
to lengthen their wieners.
G#
It's true, now you listen.
They tie the fruitcake to their ding -dongs
and stretch it so that they look good
for the annual march through town
for hunting season.
That's true.
For years, homos used
this same technique
to get ready for gay parades
until they stopped when the
pineapples started causing rashes.
So the story of the fruitcake
is a good one.
So if you get one for Christmas,
G#
it's either one because somebody's mad at you,
two you're a butthole,
or three, you're a queer,
and you need to stretch your
wiener.
Merry Christmas.
Like Bill Clinton said to Hillary
after he got a fruitcake, quote,
I'll be gone for an hour
Cb
Gb
stretching this wiener, unquote.
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