Tom: Ab major•
Verse 1
Ab
You ever see that faith healer
Benny Hinn?
G
Gm
You ever see that dude?
Ab
That guy pisses me off.
Abm
If you like him, God bless you.
But here's what he does.
Crippled people come up to a
stage like this.
You watch it. It's
on the damn TV.
And he goes, be healed. Poof.
And he hits these crippled
people in the head.
Abm
And they fall down like a stuck hog.
Db
Ab
This fella is sucker
punching crippled people.
Alright?
That's getting his kicks
out of sucker
punching crippled people.
when it's pissing me off.
And my grandma likes him.
She's like,
you leave him alone
and don't say nothing
in your program.
He is healing people.
I just saw three crippled people
get up out of a wheelchair.
Yeah, they think he's going
to come over
and beat the hell out of them.
That's why
I had get out of the wheelchair.
You show me one verse in the
Bible
Gb
where the Lord run around
Ab
punching crippled folks.
Db
It ain't in the Bible.
Ab
Not even in the red words.
I went to a Catholic church
one time.
Boy, you got to be in shape to go there, don't you? Oh man,
I feel like a Britney Spears dancer in there, son.
And I got bad knees,
Ab
if I'd known what to expect,
I'd have put a brace on her, son.
I go, well, I'll just follow the guy in front of me,
because I ain't never been
in one of these churches.
So I walk in, minute I get in there,
I'm like, hey, do y do a lot of,
oh, oh, all right.
Ab
So when y 'all, what the hell?
Are you just sitting down?
I just down like that.
So are y 'all going, you son of a.
I just, I was like this.
Bbm
Ab
Down, up, sit down, stand up, do a shot,
kneel back down, stand up.
Unbelievable. That is crazy.
Went in to learn about the Lord
and I left drunk and crippled.
That was a real night.
Gb
My grandpa was running out.
Db
Ab
I ain't working out in no damn church.
We took my cousin up there to church.
Ab
and he really wanted to apologize
for what he did.
He got his wiener
stuck in the birdhouse at the zoo.
Db
Ab
And yeah, it's horrible.
He would have got away with it.
but some women looking at birdshot,
they seen a beer -bellied woodpecker in there,
so.
So they caught him in
Fm
Ab
there, dangling in there.
So we went up, church asked forgiveness.
Ab
I seen the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life,
Eb
Db
other than seeing my cousin
Ab
dangling from a woodpecker.
Old lady hunt seekers in
our church
Db
are actually 390 pounds,
and she got up to sing a solo in the
choir.
She liked the whole choir in one
clump, all right.
I mean, her choir robe had cup holders,
all right.
Gb
And you know what she sun g?
Love, a crane
couldn't have lifted her.
And my cousin nudges me and goes,
love ain't lifting her without a winch.
I'll tell you that much right now.
Yeah, but I shouldn't talk.
I need to lose weight myself.
It's a tough struggle.
I put on 50 pounds
ever since Janet Jackson
popped her titties out at the Super Bowl.
Gb
Ab
I did. I cannot stop drinking
chocolate milk
to save my life.
Boy, that is good milk.
Ab
You ever eat a Lean Cuisine?
Good Lord,
I've seen more food
than Charlie Daniels' beard,
for God's sake.
Got to go on three diets. Go on that.
You ever hear of the Atkins diet?
Yeah, I'm on the Clay Aitken diet.
Pop in a Clay Aitken record
and try and keep food down.
Now that's funny right there.
All right. That's right.
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