Do you think Santa Claus
on long November nights
When Rudolph cracks a book
and the elves aren't breaking down
With a bottle of bourbon
open on the toy line
Do you think he calls me up
not when the chance is slim
That I believe in him
No, he'll call Christmas freaks
with ten -foot plastic trees
And one big statuette
floodlit and turning
Slowly shimmering like
a red potato pancake
Of Santa Claus himself
That's who he'll ask with glee
Do you believe in me?
And old Count Dracula
On those long summer eves
When twilight lingers on
And the man has shared the day
With a rubbermaid array of underbed bins
Do you think he leaps at me?
Upset cause I insist
That he does not exist
No, he'll jump vampire fans
who never dangle arms too
far beside their beds
Who nightly wake up screaming,
fumbling with a hammer
and a temp stake
Since they believe in him,
he'll suck their scapula
to prove he's Dracula
And that poor tooth fairy,
when she's all out of dimes
and her truck's full of teeth
And she hears nine more children
wiggling on their motors in the suburbs
Do you think she picks that time to ask why
I prefer to not believe in her?
No, she'll call five -year -olds
who hoard their baby teeth
Like little traveler's checks
that they put underneath their pillow
Then they whisper with a new nisp,
Tooth Fairy, please come soon,
that's who she'll ask, you see
Do you believe in me?
So when your boss is mean
and your begonia dies
And your best friend buys guns
And your new sofa comes off
And a litter's about a mile
up the motorway
You should not choose that time
To have your mama praise
The way you live these days
No, you should march right in
and call yours truly up,
who hangs on every word,
who will go uh -uh -uh -uh, oh dear,
certainly and of course not, enthusiastically,
so soon as this line is free,
go make a call to me.
As soon as this line is free,
as soon as this line is free,
go make a call to me.