Tom: Ab major
Verse 1
G
Gm
G
ladies and gentlemen!
What's up, fuckers?
Huh? Yeah!
F
G
Gm
All right! Cleveland! Yeah!
This is cool.
I'm glad I could come and do
this here.
Because, uh, yeah.
G
I mean, I started doing comedy
11 years ago.
My first time I went, I was on in Akron.
uh, I mean, because...
Alright, settle down.
But, I mean, I first, you know,
because they told me there was like a thousand people
here tonight.
I mean, that's cool,
but my first show, there was one.
F
There was one guy at my first show.
G
I was mad that he fucking stayed.
I'm like, what are you doing?
in the first place?
Why are you here?
It's not even a show.
It's like a conversation.
I got a microphone.
All right? It's weird.
I remember I was getting ready to go on,
F
and one of the veteran comics comes
over me.
G
He's like, you know, kid, you're going to find in this business
that sometimes the smaller crowds
are even more fun than the
bigger crowds.
I'm like, that's great,
but that's not a crowd.
It's a fucking dude.
All right? This is going to suck.
F
G
It's, yeah, so, it's fun being back in Cleveland,
though, it is.
Cleveland, yeah, yeah,
I mean, because, yeah,
I grew up in a place
you've never heard of.
Gm
But, you know, Cleveland was a
G
big deal to me, you know.
F
I was a Browns fan my whole life, yeah,
F
G
That's why I'm a comic.
And I'm not happy,
you know? I'm serious.
Like, if Ernest Miner didn't fumble,
I wouldn't fucking be here right
now, I mean, really.
C
G
I'd have a job, insurance and shit,
I mean, like, no.
I remember I told somebody that, I was like, Cleveland hasn't had a pro sports championship since 1964,
and they did, they must have looked it up online,
they're like,
actually, you guys are only second.
San Diego hasn't had one since 61.
I'm like, oh, fuck San Diego,
all right, you know what?
F
It's San Diego, all right, when they lose,
G
they can go out on the beach, all right, you know what?
Fuck them, when the Browns lose,
C
G
I mean, I got to deal with that
and icicles on my balls,
all right, they suck, all right, I'm mad,
tell me about San Diego's woes.
It's weird, know, I travel in here, just,
came,
but yeah, you guys actually have traffic.
I didn't realize that before.
It's, you know, LA is the worst.
That's where I live now. It's the worst. I got
in a wreck a couple weeks ago.
Guy rear -ended me
on the freeway.
Yeah, we're all just going straight.
How can you not figure this
shit out?
I mean, really, it's not that hard.
Do you ever get
in a wreck with somebody
and it's their fault
and they try to be Captain Positive?
G
My bumper's on the ground.
Well, at least nobody
got hurt, yeah?
Not yet, bitch, all right?
Wait till the cops leave.
I'll kick you in the balls, all right?
I'm mad.
I know I have a problem with road
rage. I do.
G
We've probably met.
But I'm like quit trying to solve my
problem, you know?
Yeah, I have a problem with road rage,
and yeah, therapy could probably
help.
Guess what else could help?
If you could fucking drive.
All right, that would help too. I'm just saying,
I wouldn't be this mad
if you would just fucking go,
all right, just go.
I don't have all day
to look at the back of your Civic.
Fucking go, all right, let's do it.
You got an arrow and I got a poop,
all right, let's go, let's do it.
I don't care about the old lady
who hasn't made it across the street
yet.
She rolled the dice
when she stepped off the curb,
all right, let's go.
Put it in D, it stands for fucking go,
G
all right, let's go, and just merge,
if you have to merge,
fucking just do it, all right, don't be a pussy,
C
all right, just merge, don't act like a little girl
dipping your toe in the pool,
like is it cold, am I gonna get splashed,
am I gonna get,
it's just merge, and if I let you merge,
I don't know if a lot of people
People don't understand this.
There's a limit. It's one.
One car gets in. One car.
I'm not vehicular fucking
Santa Claus.
All right? One car gets in.
The rest of you are late.
And if I let you in,
you better not let anybody
else in either.
I swear to God. Yeah, I'll follow you to your house
and poop in your driveway.
All right? I don't give a shit.
All right? All All All You
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